Showing posts with label English Language. Show all posts
Showing posts with label English Language. Show all posts

Monday, November 4, 2019

The Demonic Di666ital


Quote of the day: "..... that is the problem with digital. It disrupts! Dajjal's tool. Imagine last time 1 unit of music sale is a cd album worth RM40, then cd singles at RM7, now 1 song on spotify less than 99 Sen? Suddenly the overall value of sales fell dramatically. Artists cannot survive with record sales alone and they need to go 360 degree doing endorsement, concerts and what not. This wave is extending into TV and radio business as well. The players in the industry, any industry in fact, must change to embrace contemporary movements. Or else, we'll be in a Kodak Moment. Kodak Moment is not 'Smile, click! click!'. Kodak Moment is a sad case of American Chapter 11 Bankrupcy proceeding."


Music is Psychology


Izham : Jo, I had issues answering some set of IQ questions. I think my mind is not as sharp.

Jo: Boss. If your mind is not sharp, then it must be flat or diminished. Highly likely you are experiencing a distortion or a delay overdrive. You will be out of tuned from reality. But hey, just relax. That is life. It is only an arpeggio of mishappenings. You'll just have to tune your strings of thoughts and hopefully, all these are just minor bits in the whole scheme of things.

Duckling


On the first of September, the ducklings went round and round. The ducklings just went around. The ducklings, they didn't care. They went around anyway. What do you care? Mind your own business people.


Friday, July 12, 2019

I Love BMW

I was at a BMW showroom this morning. I was so impressed with the new M3 and M5. So, I went to my wife, who was sitting reading a book, waiting for her car being serviced and I said, "I totally love BMW!"

She stopped reading her book and turned her head to face me. Lo and behold, it wasn't my wife! But she was polite enough to say, "Yes! I love BMW too!" and continued to read her book. I continued to act normal and walked away as if the sun was shining bright and joined my wife, who was also sitting reading a book not too far from there.

Tuesday, January 15, 2019

The Man Who Left the World


The cat sat on the wall. His name is Alfred. Alfred miowed to the man walking by him. The man had his head tilted 45 degrees down looking into a piece of device. The man continued walking across the road, with his head still tilted. The cat still stood on the wall. His name is still Alfred. Alfred miowed to the man crossing the road. The traffic light was red. A lorry full of pigs hit the man. The man was thrown to the side of the road, near the wall, in front of Alfred. The cat jumped off the wall. His name, well, is still Alfred. Alfred found the piece of device. Alfred sniffed the device. He smelled death. The cat left the wall. The man? Left the world.



Tuesday, September 25, 2018

The Working Class Phenomenon


"Bro, buy this. It is good stuff. It is only RM50."

Reluctant Buyer said, "Errrr,.... sorry, I don't have RM50 now. Too expensive. I only have RM10."

Seller replies, "Bro, I will make you an offer, if you pay me RM40, I will give you this stuff."

Reluctant Buyer got agitated and said, "Which part of 'I only have RM10' do you not understand. Stop trying. I am not buying."

"Ok Bro, for RM10, you can rent this for a week. Who knows you will want to buy this after a week. If not, you can return."

"Look Bro, I said stop trying. I have better use for the RM10. I am not in the position to spend it with you."

"Ok Bro. When you feel like buying, this is my card. Call me ya."

Reluctant Buyer then buys groceries worth RM10 that can feed breakfast for his family for a week. His wife comes home looking rather happy, "Darling, have you bought groceries?"

"Yup. I have"

"Oh, oh, can you also pay the kid's tuition fees RM50 for this month? Sorry I had to use my budget for something else"

"Ok. I will need to work overtime more this month to pay the tuition fees RM50. Do'able but have to go through pain for a while."

"Thank you Dear."

"So what did you buy with your RM50?" The Wife smiled and took out the item she bought out of the shopping bag and showed it to her husband.

The husband gulp the last bit of his cheap tasteless coffee and dialed the number on a call card he had in his pocket and said, "Damn you!"




Friday, June 22, 2018

Are You Ready to Die?


An angel came to me. He asked me, "Are you ready to die?"

I stood there silently. This cannot be happening. I know my religion teaches me that we should believe in angels but I never believed that that belief can be proven. But now, an angel is in front of me asking me whether I am ready to die or not?

The angel jumped up a bit with his wings wide spread open and started to circle me. He whispered, "God is asking. I am asking on behalf of God. Are you ready to die?"

"Errr..... No. No I am not. Please do not take my life yet."

"Hahahahha...... do not worry. I am not the Angel of Death. I am not Israil. I am just curious to know whether you are ready... you know... ready to die? Of course God need not ask this but He wants you to ask the question to yourself. So you are not ready. Why?"

"Who are you? Which angel are you?"

"Who I am is irrelevant to the question. Now, man of God, tell me why are you not ready to die?"

"I.... eeeeerrrmmmm.... I have been sinful throughout my life. I need the chance to redeem myself. I know I may not be able to redeem all that I have done but at least I am able to reduce the baggage I created in this world that will follow me to the afterlife. I have had free sex. I drank alcohol. I gambled. I took drugs. I cheated on my wife. I took corruption money. I, I cannot remember when I last prayed five times a day. I fast but that is just to show that I am assimilating with the people around me. I spent thousands of Ringgit travelling to Europe, the Americas and bought expensive things but I never bothered to register myself for Haj. I have debts. Loads of debts to pay. If I die, my wife and my kids, how will they pay those debts? The banks will take the house, take the car, take everything valuable. My family will be left with nothing. If I have the chance, I just want to work a bit longer to pay off my home loan. It is just a simple linked terrace house. I can sell my BMW and buy a cheap car for my wife. At least she does not have to worry about paying the car loan. I just need my money in the fixed deposit, the equity shares and the unit trusts to be enough to earn a few thousands a month for my wife. The rest I am sure my wife is able to earn for herself. She has some qualifications. My kids...... my kids, I just need the savings to be enough for them to study and earn at least a diploma. Then they should fly on their own. I am pressed for time. I need to get all these in place before I am ready to die."

"Hahahahahhaha..... you stupid fool", the angel belittled me. "Do you think God needs to wait for you? What if God sends Israil now to plug your pathetic soul out from your overweight body?"

"I,... I,.... hmmmmm.... forgive me O' Angel. If I cannot have all that, can I at least have one thing before I die?"

"And what might that be little man?"

"Please, can I at lease wait until Liverpool wins the EPL?", I said with all honesty and desperation.

The angel landed in front of me and lowered his face to mine and whispered, "On that, you'll never walk alone my friend. I will pull some strings myself and for my sake, I really hope you can die sooner rather than later. Goodbye Dr Zamri."




Monday, February 26, 2018

All Jo Did Was Bending the Guitar Strings


Jo played a song on a guitar using a digital delay effect. He recorded it and shared it with Izham.

Izham said, "Nice delay. There’s a string out of tune though. Heard it at 0:29 second of the video. When you played an open string I think."

Jo got offended and replied, "But I didn't play any open strings. Maybe I bent too much somewhere.... tend to do that..... Azhar dah marah banyak kali hehhehe....."

Izham reluctantly tried to calm Jo down, "Haha. I heard two strings playing the same note. The slightly later one seems out of tune. Assumed it was open. But maybe it wasn’t." But then, he could not resist shooting another point across, "Upon critical listening, it is the delay that is out of tune. But how is that possible if the original note isn’t? Unless, the decay of the original note was due to the bend and that got captured in the digital delay setting. Hmmmmm.... This is an interesting problem. So you are right it could be the bend."

At this point Sunil interrupted, "Actually, the LFO oscillator modulates the delay causing a pitch fluctuation which effectively thickens the sound."

Izham got irritated, "Hmmm it doesn’t explain the out of tune though."

Jo was, by now, enveloped by a severe inferiority complex because the discussion had reached matters above his pay grade. He quietly said, "Hahah... at least you understand enough to conclude that. I can only assume that it explains by my sheer incomprehensible state."

Azhar happened to be closeby. He sort of concurred with Sunil. Azhar jumped in, "Found this on the web... here goes..... the delay time is modulated with a low frequency oscillator. Changing the delay time has two pronounced effects. First, the timbre of the comb filter shifts with the changing delay time between the two signals. Secondly, moving the delay time forward and backward creates a doppler pitch shift effect in the delayed sound. This was the author explaining how a flanger works. Flanger, chorus, phaser all have digital delays as their basic circuitry so maybe that's why what happened happened."

Izham now seems to be on the same wave length as Sunil and Azhar and said, "What I’m theorising is that you must have bent your note during the delay in the volume. And that delay was audible because the original note sound has gone and only the delayed sound is left, exposing the delay and the out of tune note."

By this time Kamal came in, "Whatever it is, Jo...... you played the wrong note by bending it."

Azhar tried to calm Jo as his face was as red as a lobster, "Ya, I've picked wrong notes countless times before."

Izham also did the same, "I play wrong notes too and call it jazz."

Jo in his last attempt to close the day with a positive note finally has the courage to say, "That was what I intended to do. The bend was to Jazz up the song."

Everyone cheered, "Well saved Jo!!!!!"



Wednesday, February 7, 2018

The Nataraj Incident


Four days ago I went to LHDN Damansara. I saw Nataraj out on the park near the building. I went to him and smacked his back really hard and said, "Oi Nataraj.. whatcha doin here?"

He looked at me and shouted back, "Oi Gila ka?"

I was shocked that Nataraj can now speak Malay because he is an Indian nationality. I said, "Wahh Nataraj you can speak Malay now"

He said, "Oi lu gila ka? Pukul-pukul orang? Nama aku Abdul Majid. Bukan Nataraj!"

I was.... like.... Godsmacked.... I swear to God he looks 99.99% like Nataraj! The height, size, skin, moustache... the whole works! Whaddahell. It wasn't Nataraj. Damn.


Thursday, September 15, 2016

Confusion in Tokyo


Train conductor: Errrrr you pay me 510 Yen.

Me: Errrr... Why? This is my ticket and I paid 1,100 Yen already. Why do I have to pay?

Train conductor: This train go to Tokyo. You pay 1,100 Yen already. Now you pay another 510 Yen.

Me: Well I can pay but I want to know why am I paying again? Am I on the wrong train? This is going to Tokyo right?

Train conductor: Hait! Hait! Going Tokyo. This train is going to Tokyo.

Me: So why do I have to pay 510 Yen in addition to the 1,100 Yen?

Train conductor: Yes because this train goes to Tokyo, you pay another 510 Yen.

Me: (Getting annoyed) OK...... I am on the right train as it is going to Tokyo and I paid 1,100 Yen at the counter for purchasing a ticket to go to Tokyo. Therefore, this extra 510 Yen that you are asking will give me what service in extra?

Train conductor: Ahhh yes.... This extra go from here to Tokyo.

Me: (Silence... while looking around at all other passengers who are now staring and smiling at me)

A Caucasian Stranger Who Sits Across From Me: Hello...  Let me help you there. What he is trying to say is, that this train goes direct express to Tokyo with no stops in the middle. You have to pay for that express mode which is 510 Yen.

Me: Aaaahhhh... Sooodesuneeeee... Ok.... Ok..... Here you go 510 Yen. So this is the wrong train. I am supposed to take the cheaper one that stops at all stations because I am meant to be in Chiba... Not Tokyo.

Other Passengers: Aaaahhhhhh Sooodesuneeeeee.......



Friday, June 24, 2016

"Bersatu Lawan Puspakom"


PUSPAKOM said, "Bang. RM95.50 ye"

I reached my wallet and there was only RM91.00. "Errr... hmm... boleh pakai credit card tak?"

"Tak", says the PUSPAKOM lady with an unfriendly face. She must be tired especially fasting in the hot small cubical with a small fan by her side. Out of desperation, I walked to the car behind me. The owner is an old Chinese uncle.

"Uncle, errrr.... so so sorry. Can I borrow RM5.00 please. This is my business card. I will transfer RM10.00 direct to your bank account now via Maybank2u...... Can lah uncle"

"Eiii.. lu gila ka? Gua mana ingat gua punya bank account number. Ni ambik ini RM5.00 gua kasi free sama lu. Kita Melayu, Cina, India tak kira bangsa semua kena bersatu lawan ini PUSPAKOM kasi pening kepala orang."

"Ahahahahahhah.... adoi... thank you lah Uncle", with my hand gently taking the RM5.00 from his rough hand and I offered him a smile. A smile from a Malaysian to another without any concern over the colour of our skin as long as we can help each other.


Friday, April 1, 2016

The Nincompoop Cameraman


A camera man with his camera focused at me. I stood still with a stupid grin for like... 10 seconds or more... only to realise that I really look stupid coz it was not a photographic attempt. It was a video shoot from a camera. Bugger!! He smiled and said, "Sir no need to smile too long coz it is a video". Now you tell me you nincompoop! Hahaahah




Old Woman with Black Coffee


An old woman came to me and said, "Hi...  I haven't seen you for so long. How is your wife Raziah doing?". 

"Errrr.... my wife is Roslina mam... not Raziah."

"Huh? You are Khalid right?"

"Errr.... no... not that I am aware".  She took a sip of her black coffee and flew away gently.


Monday, September 7, 2015

Ordering a Drink


I said, "Teh O Limau Tak Mau Gula satu". The makcik wrote this on her notebook, "Tolol".


How Difficult is it to Design a Proper Toilet?


I hate public toilets. They are full of inadequacies. Incomplete utility value to the extent that it is an annoying nuisance rather than convenience. People can spend loads of money to have the nicest walls, ceilings, lightings and such, but they refuse to spend on proper toilets. These are the issues I have with our public toilets:

1. Dirty flooring
2. Limited toilet seats. I hate those "mencangkung" toilets coz I cannot sit comfortably
3. Where the hell is the water? Bloody toilet papers are useless!
4. When you finally found one with water, it has no toilet papers. What the hell.... again!
5. Wet flooring means I can never open my shoes coz I'd wet my socks
6. No hooks to hang my jeans? Am I supposed to hold it on my lap or let it hang below my knees?
7. And where am I supposed to put my sling bag (or hand bags for women)? On the floor?
8. Occasionally you'll have some with broken locks and end up holding the door close with one hand
9. That nasty auto water fountain shit will either hit your tummy or your jacket hanging on the door opposite it
10. With all that, they ask me to pay? Just for trying to pee/past motion the hardest way possible?

What crappy toilets we have.


Broke Free from Slavery just for the Weekend


During the weekend I went to Ipoh for my alma mater alumni gathering. Half way there, speeding on the NKVE, I realised that I had left my smart phone at home. I panicked for a while only to discover that I was actually relieved. Relieved from being the slave to technology. It was plain and utter peace of mind. No one could reach me neither can I fulfil my obsessive compulsive disorder of checking my phone every other minute. It was blissful. Soon I had forgotten about the phone when my mind was occupied with Nasi Vanggey, Nasi Ganja and the tonnes of other delights that Ipoh can offer.

Today that freedom has been taken away from me. I am back in KL. My smart phone is back in my jeans pocket vibrating and ringing itself like a little irritating swine. I knew I was back in slavery when my phone had these to bemuse me:

878 Whassap Updates
739 Telegram Updates
675 Twitter Updates
546 Instagram Updates
443 Facebook Updates
103 new work emails
56 new Yahoo emails
16 Missed Calls
7 SMSs
1 Application Update

..... and we say we are liberated?


Friday, September 4, 2015

Can I have Chicken Please?


"Hi there, may I have snack plate please?"

The counter keeper at KFC said, "Oh! sorry Sir. At the moment we do not have chicken to serve. May I suggest mashed potatoes?"

I could only say, "Huh? But, but..... you are KFC! How can you not have chicken to serve me?"


A Call from the Bank


"Ring! Ring!"

"Hello Sir, do you have a minute?"

"Yes o.k, who is this?"

"I am Suresh from PLM Bank. We have studied your existing facilities and we are pleased to inform you that you are eligible for our special rate personal loan at 4.5% per annum. We can pre-approve your loan now but if you like to take up this facility, kindly inform us the desired amount."

"Error........ Hmmmmm......... I....... want...... two point six billion, boleh?"

Suresh hung up.


What Should I Ask Mak For My Birthday Present?


Mak asked me, "Oiii, what do you want for your birthday present?"

I said, "Mak bagi seluaq dalam saja lah. Che punya seluaq dalam semua dah berlubang, getah longgaq semua. Dah ada bekaih kuning semua. Dah 5 tahun Che tak beli seluaq dalam."

Mak could only say, "Hang ni loqlaq la!"