The Working Class Phenomenon

"Bro, buy this. It is good stuff. It is only RM50."

Reluctant Buyer said, "Errrr,.... sorry, I don't have RM50 now. Too expensive. I only have RM10."

Seller replies, "Bro, I will make you an offer, if you pay me RM40, I will give you this stuff."

Reluctant Buyer got agitated and said, "Which part of 'I only have RM10' do you not understand. Stop trying. I am not buying."

"Ok Bro, for RM10, you can rent this for a week. Who knows you will want to buy this after a week. If not, you can return."

"Look Bro, I said stop trying. I have better use for the RM10. I am not in the position to spend it with you."

"Ok Bro. When you feel like buying, this is my card. Call me ya."

Reluctant Buyer then buys groceries worth RM10 that can feed breakfast for his family for a week. His wife comes home looking rather happy, "Darling, have you bought groceries?"

"Yup. I have"

"Oh, oh, can you also pay the kid's tuition fees RM50 for this month? Sorry I had to use my budget for something else"

"Ok. I will need to work overtime more this month to pay the tuition fees RM50. Do'able but have to go through pain for a while."

"Thank you Dear."

"So what did you buy with your RM50?" The Wife smiled and took out the item she bought out of the shopping bag and showed it to her husband.

The husband gulp the last bit of his cheap tasteless coffee and dialed the number on a call card he had in his pocket and said, "Damn you!"

Are You Ready to Die?

An angel came to me. He asked me, "Are you ready to die?"

I stood there silently. This cannot be happening. I know my religion teaches me that we should believe in angels but I never believed that that belief can be proven. But now, an angel is in front of me asking me whether I am ready to die or not?

The angel jumped up a bit with his wings wide spread open and started to circle me. He whispered, "God is asking. I am asking on behalf of God. Are you ready to die?"

"Errr..... No. No I am not. Please do not take my life yet."

"Hahahahha...... do not worry. I am not the Angel of Death. I am not Israil. I am just curious to know whether you are ready... you know... ready to die? Of course God need not ask this but He wants you to ask the question to yourself. So you are not ready. Why?"

"Who are you? Which angel are you?"

"Who I am is irrelevant to the question. Now, man of God, tell me why are you not ready to die?"

"I.... eeeeerrrmmmm.... I have been sinful throughout my life. I need the chance to redeem myself. I know I may not be able to redeem all that I have done but at least I am able to reduce the baggage I created in this world that will follow me to the afterlife. I have had free sex. I drank alcohol. I gambled. I took drugs. I cheated on my wife. I took corruption money. I, I cannot remember when I last prayed five times a day. I fast but that is just to show that I am assimilating with the people around me. I spent thousands of Ringgit travelling to Europe, the Americas and bought expensive things but I never bothered to register myself for Haj. I have debts. Loads of debts to pay. If I die, my wife and my kids, how will they pay those debts? The banks will take the house, take the car, take everything valuable. My family will be left with nothing. If I have the chance, I just want to work a bit longer to pay off my home loan. It is just a simple linked terrace house. I can sell my BMW and buy a cheap car for my wife. At least she does not have to worry about paying the car loan. I just need my money in the fixed deposit, the equity shares and the unit trusts to be enough to earn a few thousands a month for my wife. The rest I am sure my wife is able to earn for herself. She has some qualifications. My kids...... my kids, I just need the savings to be enough for them to study and earn at least a diploma. Then they should fly on their own. I am pressed for time. I need to get all these in place before I am ready to die."

"Hahahahahhaha..... you stupid fool", the angel belittled me. "Do you think God needs to wait for you? What if God sends Israil now to plug your pathetic soul out from your overweight body?"

"I,... I,.... hmmmmm.... forgive me O' Angel. If I cannot have all that, can I at least have one thing before I die?"

"And what might that be little man?"

"Please, can I at lease wait until Liverpool wins the EPL?", I said with all honesty and desperation.

The angel landed in front of me and lowered his face to mine and whispered, "On that, you'll never walk alone my friend. I will pull some strings myself and for my sake, I really hope you can die sooner rather than later. Goodbye Dr Zamri."

Dr Zamri dan Pontianak Kebaya Merah

Dr Zamri selalu bekerja lewat di Hospital Seremban. Maklumlah, doktor memang selalu bertungkus lumus demi rakyat. Seperti biasa, pada satu malam Dr Zamri habis kerja pukul 12 malam. Di mindanya, "Aku nak balik mandi cepat-cepat, makan Maggi Goreng dan boleh terbongkang macam kambing tua tak sedar diri.

Maka Dr Zamri dengan rakus membawa Honda Civicnya dengan laju di jalan raya yang teramatnya gelap. Tiba-tiba dengan tidak diduga, seekor pontianak berbaju kebaya merah terbang mengikut kereta Honda Civicnya dari tepi. Dr Zamri menggelabah. Terkumit-kumit bibir kering membaca Al-Fatihah, doa makan dan doa masuk jamban berulang-ulang kali. Kerusi Honda Civicnya penuh dengan kencing hancing kuning Dr Zamri kerana terlampau takut sehingga terkencing di dalam seluar Levi's yang dibelinya di kedai Bundle di Bazar Bulat Ipoh dua puluh tahun yang lalu.

Pontianak berkata-kata sambil terbang, "Abang.... hoi Abang... dengarlah Sayang nak cakap ni... apa yang Abang takutkan sangat ni?"

Dr Zamri menjerit, "Celaka kau Pontianak Kebaya Merah! Kau boleh tanya aku lagi.. Cheh! Pergi kau dari sini. Kenapa kau ikut-ikut aku ni? Aku tak kacau kau pun!"

"Lah... Abang... bukan apa... saya nampak handfon Abang tu.... model baru Samsung S9. Saya nak cuba tengok kalau saya selfie macamana rupa.. cantik ke tidak? Itu pasal saya beli kebaya merah dari Fashion Valet ni"

Dr Zamri terus menekan brake Honda Civicnya. "Lah... apasal adik tak cakap awal-awal?"

Dr Zamri pun turun dari kereta dan berwefie dengan Pontianak Kebaya Merah. Kedua-dua Dr Zamri dan Pontianak Kebaya Merah tersenyum indah tapi malangnya apabila butang kamera Samsung S9 ditekan, hanya muka Dr Zamri yang nampak sebab hantukan tak boleh muncul dalam kamera. Begitulah alkisahnya Dr Zamri dan Pontianak Kebaya Merah. Sekian.

All Jo Did Was Bending the Guitar Strings

Jo played a song on a guitar using a digital delay effect. He recorded it and shared it with Izham.

Izham said, "Nice delay. There’s a string out of tune though. Heard it at 0:29 second of the video. When you played an open string I think."

Jo got offended and replied, "But I didn't play any open strings. Maybe I bent too much somewhere.... tend to do that..... Azhar dah marah banyak kali hehhehe....."

Izham reluctantly tried to calm Jo down, "Haha. I heard two strings playing the same note. The slightly later one seems out of tune. Assumed it was open. But maybe it wasn’t." But then, he could not resist shooting another point across, "Upon critical listening, it is the delay that is out of tune. But how is that possible if the original note isn’t? Unless, the decay of the original note was due to the bend and that got captured in the digital delay setting. Hmmmmm.... This is an interesting problem. So you are right it could be the bend."

At this point Sunil interrupted, "Actually, the LFO oscillator modulates the delay causing a pitch fluctuation which effectively thickens the sound."

Izham got irritated, "Hmmm it doesn’t explain the out of tune though."

Jo was, by now, enveloped by a severe inferiority complex because the discussion had reached matters above his pay grade. He quietly said, "Hahah... at least you understand enough to conclude that. I can only assume that it explains by my sheer incomprehensible state."

Azhar happened to be closeby. He sort of concurred with Sunil. Azhar jumped in, "Found this on the web... here goes..... the delay time is modulated with a low frequency oscillator. Changing the delay time has two pronounced effects. First, the timbre of the comb filter shifts with the changing delay time between the two signals. Secondly, moving the delay time forward and backward creates a doppler pitch shift effect in the delayed sound. This was the author explaining how a flanger works. Flanger, chorus, phaser all have digital delays as their basic circuitry so maybe that's why what happened happened."

Izham now seems to be on the same wave length as Sunil and Azhar and said, "What I’m theorising is that you must have bent your note during the delay in the volume. And that delay was audible because the original note sound has gone and only the delayed sound is left, exposing the delay and the out of tune note."

By this time Kamal came in, "Whatever it is, Jo...... you played the wrong note by bending it."

Azhar tried to calm Jo as his face was as red as a lobster, "Ya, I've picked wrong notes countless times before."

Izham also did the same, "I play wrong notes too and call it jazz."

Jo in his last attempt to close the day with a positive note finally has the courage to say, "That was what I intended to do. The bend was to Jazz up the song."

Everyone cheered, "Well saved Jo!!!!!"

The Nataraj Incident

Four days ago I went to LHDN Damansara. I saw Nataraj out on the park near the building. I went to him and smacked his back really hard and said, "Oi Nataraj.. whatcha doin here?"

He looked at me and shouted back, "Oi Gila ka?"

I was shocked that Nataraj can now speak Malay because he is an Indian nationality. I said, "Wahh Nataraj you can speak Malay now"

He said, "Oi lu gila ka? Pukul-pukul orang? Nama aku Abdul Majid. Bukan Nataraj!"

I was.... like.... Godsmacked.... I swear to God he looks 99.99% like Nataraj! The height, size, skin, moustache... the whole works! Whaddahell. It wasn't Nataraj. Damn.