Confusion in Tokyo

Train conductor: Errrrr you pay me 510 Yen.

Me: Errrr... Why? This is my ticket and I paid 1,100 Yen already. Why do I have to pay?

Train conductor: This train go to Tokyo. You pay 1,100 Yen already. Now you pay another 510 Yen.

Me: Well I can pay but I want to know why am I paying again? Am I on the wrong train? This is going to Tokyo right?

Train conductor: Hait! Hait! Going Tokyo. This train is going to Tokyo.

Me: So why do I have to pay 510 Yen in addition to the 1,100 Yen?

Train conductor: Yes because this train goes to Tokyo, you pay another 510 Yen.

Me: (Getting annoyed) OK...... I am on the right train as it is going to Tokyo and I paid 1,100 Yen at the counter for purchasing a ticket to go to Tokyo. Therefore, this extra 510 Yen that you are asking will give me what service in extra?

Train conductor: Ahhh yes.... This extra go from here to Tokyo.

Me: (Silence... while looking around at all other passengers who are now staring and smiling at me)

A Caucasian Stranger Who Sits Across From Me: Hello...  Let me help you there. What he is trying to say is, that this train goes direct express to Tokyo with no stops in the middle. You have to pay for that express mode which is 510 Yen.

Me: Aaaahhhh... Sooodesuneeeee... Ok.... Ok..... Here you go 510 Yen. So this is the wrong train. I am supposed to take the cheaper one that stops at all stations because I am meant to be in Chiba... Not Tokyo.

Other Passengers: Aaaahhhhhh Sooodesuneeeeee.......

Mencari Octopus di Bulan

"Ayah. Malam ni saya nak ke bulan. Ayah doa kan saya ye"

"Oi. Kau mabuk apa? Nak ke bulan kejadahnya. Ada ape hal kat bulan tu?"

"Saya nak ke bulan Ayah. Saya nak cari Optimus Prime"

"Huhh? Octopus?"

"Bukan. Tu sotong. Tu ha yg besar bagak merah boleh jadi lori. Optimus Prime"

"Ada apa dengan Octopus Prime tu yang kau terhegeh-hegeh nak jumpa?"

"Ada lah... "

"Ehhh.... budak ni. Kepala hangguk kau berjambul. Kau bilang kat aku apa halnya kau nak ke bulan jumpa Octopus Prime tuh?"

"Optimus Prime. Bukan Octopus. Octopus tu sotong"

"Apa-apa lah. Sotong ke udang ke... kau cerita kat Ayah apa yang tergempak sangat nak ke bulan?"

"Saya nak ke bulan nak jumpa Optimus Prime sebab dia sorang sajelah boleh melawan askar-askar Zionist yang dok menyerang Palestine. Kesian orang-orang Palestine. Saya tengok semua negara-negara Islam yang lain semua kecut takde telor nak lawan Zionist. Sebelum saya berdoa dengan Tuhan, kenalah usaha sedaya upaya dulu kan Ayah? Jadi.... saya nak ke bulan nak ajak Optimus Prime turun ke bumi lawan dengan Zionis"

Ayah memeluk aku dengan erat sambil berkata, "Tak payah pergi jauh sampai ke bulan Nak. Esok ayah bawak kau ke Toys'r'Us. Bukan saja Octopus Prime,.. Superman, Batman, Six Million Dollar Man semua kita boleh ajak lawan Zionis ye... "

"..... Optimus Prime lah.... bukan Octopus Prime"

"Bersatu Lawan Puspakom"

PUSPAKOM said, "Bang. RM95.50 ye"

I reached my wallet and there was only RM91.00. "Errr... hmm... boleh pakai credit card tak?"

"Tak", says the PUSPAKOM lady with an unfriendly face. She must be tired especially fasting in the hot small cubical with a small fan by her side. Out of desperation, I walked to the car behind me. The owner is an old Chinese uncle.

"Uncle, errrr.... so so sorry. Can I borrow RM5.00 please. This is my business card. I will transfer RM10.00 direct to your bank account now via Maybank2u...... Can lah uncle"

"Eiii.. lu gila ka? Gua mana ingat gua punya bank account number. Ni ambik ini RM5.00 gua kasi free sama lu. Kita Melayu, Cina, India tak kira bangsa semua kena bersatu lawan ini PUSPAKOM kasi pening kepala orang."

"Ahahahahahhah.... adoi... thank you lah Uncle", with my hand gently taking the RM5.00 from his rough hand and I offered him a smile. A smile from a Malaysian to another without any concern over the colour of our skin as long as we can help each other.

Mandi Tanah

Dulu masa aku belajar kat Melbourne di Australia, duit scholarship Gomen ciput. Australian Dollars (AUD) 531 sebulan saje. 1 AUD above tahap kemiskinan. Tahap kemiskinan di Australia masa tu AUD530. Bayar sewa AUD200. Bayar daging, ayam, sayur apa bala dah AUD100. Bayar letrik, air, fon semua dah AUD100 kot. AUD100 untuk beli rokok murah Peter Jackson. RM30 belanja awek nengok wayang kat Village Cinema South Yarra.

Kesimpulannya..... hidup tertekan sebab tak cukup duit. Study no problem. Sarjana muda perakaunan. Apa susah? Debit Credit je.... yang lebeh tu kelentong goreng je. So, apa lagi. Pergilah cari kerja part time. Malam minggu gi jadi kitchen hand kat Topez Pizza kat Prahran. Semua lah aku buat. Basuh pinggan. Bancuh uli tepung roti pizza. Buat French Salad, Greek Salad, pelbagailah. Potong sayur. Potong daging. Potong ayam. Potong salami.... dan potong babi.

Babi betoi..... kena potong babi. Setiap malam balik rumah kena mandi air tanah. Aku tanya housemate aku Shimi budak Kedah nak mandi samak ni apa sukatan. Dia bilang satu bahagian air dan tujuh bahagian tanah. Entah betul tidak. Sampai hari ni aku tak tau. So.... koreklah tanah depan rumah tu. Habis penuh tanah dalam bath tub sampai sumbat. Alih-alih kena maki dengan landlord Mr Andrew Vasilou mamat Greek perut buncit. Semua ni sebab nak sembahyang punya pasal.

Satu hari di Hari Raya selepas mandi sunat Hari Raya dengan air tanah, kitaorang ready-ready nak ke Malaysia Hall High Street Windsor untuk sembahyang Raya...... tiba-tiba ternampak anjing tengah berak kat tanah depan rumah yang selalu aku ambik untuk mandi wajib... ehhhh silap.... mandi samak. Adoiiiii.... hancurnya perasaan. Mana nak cari supply tanah kat tengah-tengah Melbourne nih?????

Selepas Hari Raya aku tender resignation as the most dedicated Kitchen Hand in all of Prahran Melbourne. Pekerjaan seterusnya ialah... posman untuk junk mail.

The Nincompoop Cameraman

A camera man with his camera focused at me. I stood still with a stupid grin for like... 10 seconds or more... only to realise that I really look stupid coz it was not a photographic attempt. It was a video shoot from a camera. Bugger!! He smiled and said, "Sir no need to smile too long coz it is a video". Now you tell me you nincompoop! Hahaahah

Old Woman with Black Coffee

An old woman came to me and said, "Hi...  I haven't seen you for so long. How is your wife Raziah doing?". 

"Errrr.... my wife is Roslina mam... not Raziah."

"Huh? You are Khalid right?"

"Errr.... no... not that I am aware".  She took a sip of her black coffee and flew away gently.

Kechewa Nasi Lemak

Kepada Persatuan Pembuat Nasi Lemak SeMalaya,

Tolong sebarkan masalah Nasi Lemak di Malaya ni seperti berikut:

1. Namanya Nasi Lemak.... bukan Nasi Putih. Apesal tak rasa lemak? Ni dah kelentong tahap dosa dah ni.

2. Ikan Bilis kalau boleh letaklah segenggam ke. Ni 3 ekor aje. T I G A ekor sahaja. Bak kata KJ.... Ale Uto lah

3. Telor penat mak ayam keluarkan cantik bulat bujur.... kau gi potong empat lepas tu satu perempat je kau kasi? What the hell?

4. Sambal... aduhhhh.... sambal.... kau reti tak masak ni? Tumis cili tu sampai masak... ni rasa macam cili ulam je. Lepas tu kau campak gula berlungguk nak kasi sedap. Aku ni high sugar in blood. Kalau nak manis letak banyak bawang lah beb. Adoi. Fail lah.

5. Tidak ada komplen pasal timun. Timun buang duit je bukan orang kisah sangat. Macam Richard Branson stop letak olives dalam airplane meal..... gitu.

6. Dah lah tu... harga seciput tu melebehi harga satu liter RON95..... damn!


Yang kechewa,

spanapurba